Searching for love...

Apparently Google feels the same way...

Life....

I can't do this anymore...
I can't keep feeling like this...
I can't fix things...
Maybe it will all end...
Or I can end it......

Only a dream

I hear a sound...
A little voice... a little boy... my little man... crying...
Another voice... A man...

Shhh, we have to be quiet little man...

Do your gums hurt?

Shhhhh, your gonna wake mommy....

Where is that Orajel?!?!

Come on little man let go fix your mouth.....

I open my eyes and look around....

I'm alone in the bed room...

The sounds of Aiden's faint cries drift down the hallway...

I get up and walk down the hall toward the cries...

There you are, holding the little man, letting his grape Popsicle drip down your shirt, and his, puddling in the floor...

My men... My messy, grape flavored men...

You treat him as your own.

It means so much to me to know you love them.

Love them as if they were yours.

Watching you from the doorway, I think about our love....

About our lives together....

Something takes me by suprise...

Realizing what I have been doing while standing there,,,,

playing with a ring...

A ring...

Pushing it with my thumb...
Twirling it around my finger...

I slide it up on my finger a little and then my thumb nail goes between the bands...

Two rings...

I lift my left hand up to the doorway.....

Married?!?!

Another sound...

Back down the hallway....

Another little voice.... a little girl...cooing...talking to her toys...

Two little voices... both girls...

Or maybe three...

I turn and look down the hallway...

I walk slowly to the closed door at the end of the hall...

Something cold and round in my hand...

A doorknob....

I turn it and open the door.......

The sun hits my face...

I open my eyes and look around....

I'm alone in the bed room...

I hear a sound...
A little voice... a little boy... my little man... crying...
I lift my left hand up to block the sun......
No ring....
Was it all a dream?

Broken.....

Do you ever feel broken?
I do. I know what you are thinking too.

"Broken? How does someone feel broken?"

Well, its not easy to explain. If you have felt it then you know exactly what I mean when I say I am broken. Its a weird, life altering mix of emotion and vulnerability.

First you have to have everything in your life going just the way you want it to.
Perfect kids, big house, a new relationship that is going well, you wake up every morning feeling loved and needed, but then it happens.........

You start feeling anxious about....well, about everything. Thinking you are wrong. After all you must be, right? How could everything be going so well yet leaving you with this strange feeling? Like you aren't good enough for your life.
You cry all the time, for no reason that you know of, crying just feels...........right but, also wrong. You are always so tired but, can't ever sleep.

When you do sleep, you sleep for days, loosing time with those you love, you feel bad, start to cry again, wake up on a tear soaked pillow thinking...........you start doing a lot of thinking.......thinking in circles, your head is spinning, more tears, you wake up, the evening sun is shinning in your window.

"What time is it?"

"7:15"

"Why is the sun going down?"

"Because its the other 7:15"

"Wait, what?'

It was 10 when you went to bed.

"What day is it?"

"Tuesday."

"Where did Monday go?"

"You were finally sleeping......
I didn't want to wake you"

Now you are thinking again, thinking.............thinking

........What the hell is wrong with me?........

Well my friend, you have gone and broken yourself.


"How do you fix broken?"

"I fix broken things with glue, maybe we can glue you."

Do you feel it?

Do you feel broken?

I do.
I am broken.
I am.
BROKEN.
I am Humpty Dumptey...............
All the King's horses and all the King's men..................

couldn't put me together again.....

Our new pet

I have been told it is a red eared slider.
Is it a boy or a girl? Not a clue.
No name yet. What do you name a turtle?

So cute though...

Falling

So lately I have been falling...

Falling...
I was falling...
I was...
But then...
I fell...

I fall hard...
When I fall,,,
I fall hard...
And this, baby, is no exception...
I have fallen...
Fallen hard...

And...
Now...
I am down...
Because I fell...
Did it hurt???
Not yet...
Though it probably will...
Because I fell...

Baby, I fell...
Have you fallen too???
I hope so....
Because...
Baby,,,
I...
FELL...




And if you are reading this and thinking
"hmmmm.......is this about me"
Then guess what..........
Its not
The person who made me fall knows who he is.
I told him.
So complete stranger reading this and asking me if I fell for you the answers is.....
NO

How do I fix me?

Why do I always seem to hurt those I love? Is something wrong with me? It the past I have always thought it was the other person. It was because of their faults or their personality traits that things always turned sour in our relationship.
Always them.
Never me.
Recent events have forced me to rethink things in my life. Past experiences have been running through my mind. Memories. Memories of how things were, how relationships ended, and who was at fault flooding my brain.
Was it really his fault? What if I had been there more often?
Maybe if we had spent more time together things would have been different.
Not that I wish things had ended differently. My life would have turned out different though.
I am happy with where my life is, with where it's going.
But now I am re-examining everything. Not because I want to change anything but because I want everything to work out from now on. I have to know whose fault it was before.
Was it really me, not him but me, who messed up?
How can I hope for things to be better now if I can't understand what happened before?
I am the only common thing in my past relationships.
How do I fix me?


Yes I know this post makes absolutely no sense. Its just something I need to work out in my head.

A letter to someone..........

Dear Mr. Hall,
I have finally found the perfect song for us. I spent the entire time we were together searching for our song. I never found one that expressed how you make me feel.....
Until now.....
You want to hear it?
Go to Google and type in these lyrics.....

You make me come....
You make me complete....
You make me completely miserable.

Or actually since I know you probably still wouldn't understand this should help.....

When time stood still......

if only for a moment time stood perfectly still.

So I was looking for an old photo of me when I happened across this one....
It was taken by someone who was once very special to me.

This photo was taken at the same time that I took a pic of that special someone. We promised to keep them forever. To take them out once a year, look at them together, and ask ourselves just one question. Do we still feel the way we did when this was taken? It was a wondrous occasion when we first lived out this ritual however I have not looked at this photo more than once in all this time. That special someone is no longer mine. This photo has been locked away on a memory card along with countless other photos of times forgotten. Today I took a trip down memory lane and realized I miss this type of thing. The special relationship I once had, the way it felt to be near him, the things we did, the times we shared, the passion. I miss it all and I miss him. I once thought I must have never loved this person. How could I ever love someone who would cause me such pain? I did though. With all of my heart. Now I find myself forever searching for the feelings from that moment. That special moment when time stood still...

Personality Test

My Personality

Neuroticism	97
Extraversion	63
Openness to Experience	49
Agreeableness	2
Conscientiousness	46

You tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities, however you experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You are not affected strongly by human suffering, priding yourself on making objective judgments based on reason. You are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy, however you are not adverse to confrontation and will sometimes even intimidate others to get your own way. You have a strong sense of duty and obligation, and feel a moral obligation to do the right thing.

Welcome to the most messed up week of my life.

Monday

I came home one night last week, monday to be exact, to find my the only person in the world that I really hate sitting on my couch feeding my daughter a bottle. I don't want this person (btw's her name is Sunny) near my babies much less holding them. My now ex "significant other" had invited Sunny over. My issues with Sunny are very simple to understand. Sunny was trying to ruin our relationship and she didn't even try to hide it. I took my precious daughter away from Sunny and I calmly and rationally told her to get out of my house that she wasn't welcome there. My daughter and I went to anther room where I finished feeding her, and put her in her bed. I went to the kitchen to put the bottle in the dish washer and glanced out the window over the sink. There they were. In the driveway. Kissing. Not just a little peck on the cheek either. Really going at it. I was absolutely fumming. Yet beleive it or no this is not caused us to break up. Sure it got the train in motion but I believe I could have gotten past this.
These where just the events of one night.
More to come later.

Let Me Introduce You to My Twins

Addison and Aiden.

My perfect little ones. They are 11 weeks old. They make my life worth living. I love them so much. Its a little weird how I went from only caring about myself to wanting nothing but the best for them even if that means I have to go without something. I want to make the world better just for them. I would do anything for them. Keep all hurt and anguish away. Make sure Addison's little heart never gets broken. Teach Aiden to be the perfect gentleman. I want them to grow up to be the kind of teenagers and adults that this world could use some more of. They are just so innocent. So perfect.

Wow!

I'm such a klutz. I really don't know how I have survived for 22 years. I am constantly falling and getting hurt. I have this wondrous ability to fall UP the stairs but that's not what happened today. Today Aiden and Addison had a doctors appointment. I was putting Aiden in the car. I opened the car door and smacked myself in the face with it. It didn't really hurt at the time. I was just stunned I guess. I had almost dropped my precious baby in the process and my only concern then was to make sure he was okay. It hurts now though. My jaw is now swollen to twice its normal size and I have a huge bruise on the side of my face. I feel like such an idiot. How is it possible that I hurt myself with a car door?

7 Things You Never Knew About Me

1. I don't eat anything green. No green jelly beans. No broccoli. I know that is very childish but its just me.
2. I don't own anything purple. I promise this isn't all gonna be about colors.
3. My parents have always called me Princess Di. My middle name is Diana so they thought it was cute. When I was probably 9 or 10 I thought it was bc they actually wanted me to die. I was a very morbid child.
4. I love Cherry Dr Pepper.
5. I always wear pink panties.
   
6. I have a tattoo of a music note between my toes.
7. I don't like to be outside but I love to feel the sunshine on my skin.
   

To blog or not to blog

Obviously I choose to blog. It is a wonderful way to express your opinions, vent about your day, and relieve frustrations. The best thing is that if someone doesn't like what you think they don't have to read it. So you aren't forcing your opinions on others and you sill get the satisfaction of making them heard by those who have the same types of opinions or interest. Most of the time I blog about how my day was or if something interesting happened. If I have an issue with someone it will definitely be in my blog that day. No names of course maybe initials so that the people who know me will know who I'm talking about. Blogging keeps me sane. It helps me control my feelings and gives me a excellent place speak my mind without causing problems in my life.


It gives me a little cash too. If you want to help me earn some dough click on an ad. It only takes a second and will help me out tremendously.

Teenagers, AHHHH!

My little sister just turned 14. Wow. It has really been 14 years. I remember when she was born. I was 9 and I thought she would be my new best friend. Of course that didn't happen. By the time she was old enough to play with me I was more interested in boys. I'm not exactly sure when most kids turn in to teenagers. I know they are officially teens at 13. But when do the hormones and mood swings start? Well, for my sister today was that magical day. I picked her up from school and there was the usual banter. You know what I'm talking about.

I say "How was school?" and she spins of in to every single thing that she can possibly think of.

"Rainy sat with me at lunch and now Dakota is mad at me. It wasn't my fault. Why is she mad at me?"

I took her home and went on with my afternoon. I was at the grocery store when I got a frantic call from my mother .

"You have to come over and help me get your sister under control!"
" Wait. What!?!?"

My usually sweet, well behaved sister had lost her mind. I went to see if I could help. I could hear her screaming from the drive way. I walked inside just in time to see something sail across the room. A door slammed and then it was so quiet.
I knocked on her door and went in. She was sitting on her bed crying.

"What's wrong babe?"

"They said I have to clean my room. I don't want to. They can't make me. I won't do it. Ever. My room could be the biggest mess in the world and I still wouldn't do it."

I looked around. Her room was clean except for two shirts and a book laying in the floor.

TWO SHIRTS AND A BOOK!?!? All of that over two shirts and a book. WOW!