Only a dream

I hear a sound...
A little voice... a little boy... my little man... crying...
Another voice... A man...

Shhh, we have to be quiet little man...

Do your gums hurt?

Shhhhh, your gonna wake mommy....

Where is that Orajel?!?!

Come on little man let go fix your mouth.....

I open my eyes and look around....

I'm alone in the bed room...

The sounds of Aiden's faint cries drift down the hallway...

I get up and walk down the hall toward the cries...

There you are, holding the little man, letting his grape Popsicle drip down your shirt, and his, puddling in the floor...

My men... My messy, grape flavored men...

You treat him as your own.

It means so much to me to know you love them.

Love them as if they were yours.

Watching you from the doorway, I think about our love....

About our lives together....

Something takes me by suprise...

Realizing what I have been doing while standing there,,,,

playing with a ring...

A ring...

Pushing it with my thumb...
Twirling it around my finger...

I slide it up on my finger a little and then my thumb nail goes between the bands...

Two rings...

I lift my left hand up to the doorway.....

Married?!?!

Another sound...

Back down the hallway....

Another little voice.... a little girl...cooing...talking to her toys...

Two little voices... both girls...

Or maybe three...

I turn and look down the hallway...

I walk slowly to the closed door at the end of the hall...

Something cold and round in my hand...

A doorknob....

I turn it and open the door.......

The sun hits my face...

I open my eyes and look around....

I'm alone in the bed room...

I hear a sound...
A little voice... a little boy... my little man... crying...
I lift my left hand up to block the sun......
No ring....
Was it all a dream?

Broken.....

Do you ever feel broken?
I do. I know what you are thinking too.

"Broken? How does someone feel broken?"

Well, its not easy to explain. If you have felt it then you know exactly what I mean when I say I am broken. Its a weird, life altering mix of emotion and vulnerability.

First you have to have everything in your life going just the way you want it to.
Perfect kids, big house, a new relationship that is going well, you wake up every morning feeling loved and needed, but then it happens.........

You start feeling anxious about....well, about everything. Thinking you are wrong. After all you must be, right? How could everything be going so well yet leaving you with this strange feeling? Like you aren't good enough for your life.
You cry all the time, for no reason that you know of, crying just feels...........right but, also wrong. You are always so tired but, can't ever sleep.

When you do sleep, you sleep for days, loosing time with those you love, you feel bad, start to cry again, wake up on a tear soaked pillow thinking...........you start doing a lot of thinking.......thinking in circles, your head is spinning, more tears, you wake up, the evening sun is shinning in your window.

"What time is it?"

"7:15"

"Why is the sun going down?"

"Because its the other 7:15"

"Wait, what?'

It was 10 when you went to bed.

"What day is it?"

"Tuesday."

"Where did Monday go?"

"You were finally sleeping......
I didn't want to wake you"

Now you are thinking again, thinking.............thinking

........What the hell is wrong with me?........

Well my friend, you have gone and broken yourself.


"How do you fix broken?"

"I fix broken things with glue, maybe we can glue you."

Do you feel it?

Do you feel broken?

I do.
I am broken.
I am.
BROKEN.
I am Humpty Dumptey...............
All the King's horses and all the King's men..................

couldn't put me together again.....

Our new pet

I have been told it is a red eared slider.
Is it a boy or a girl? Not a clue.
No name yet. What do you name a turtle?

So cute though...

Falling

So lately I have been falling...

Falling...
I was falling...
I was...
But then...
I fell...

I fall hard...
When I fall,,,
I fall hard...
And this, baby, is no exception...
I have fallen...
Fallen hard...

And...
Now...
I am down...
Because I fell...
Did it hurt???
Not yet...
Though it probably will...
Because I fell...

Baby, I fell...
Have you fallen too???
I hope so....
Because...
Baby,,,
I...
FELL...




And if you are reading this and thinking
"hmmmm.......is this about me"
Then guess what..........
Its not
The person who made me fall knows who he is.
I told him.
So complete stranger reading this and asking me if I fell for you the answers is.....
NO